It Confuses Me
by 2BlckBlt
Summary: An up to date version of why House and Cameron like each other. Current through the point we are at in season four
1. Chapter 1

Thanks to Aintshesweet x for beta-ing!

I love him. Okay, I admitted it. At least to myself. Sure, other people know I like him, but love him? Doubtful (at least I hope so). I know most people think that he is unlovable, and I hate to admit it, but once in awhile, I agree. But most of me, the part that controls that damn butterfly-tingly feeling I get in my stomach that Foreman teased me about all those years ago? It is a sure sign that my feelings run deeper than a simple "Hey, let's go make-out in the women's changing room." I know I want more. I always have. I won't settle for anything less. At least not this time. He isn't Chase.

Yes, Chase and I have had sex, a no-strings attached relationship, friends with benefits, whatever you want to call it, a "thing." But that was then. And I learned from that. Those relationships don't work out. You need love to be in a relationship, or you are just two people screwing around like horny teenagers.

I want House and I to be above that. We have to be. I can't accept anything less this time. And no stupid dates where he tears me apart for his enjoyment. I am a real person. I have feelings. I think he might too. He keeps them hidden away somewhere in the deep recesses of his Grinch like heart, but they are there. Just mention his father and watch his reaction. It is a mixture of agony and hate.

That that is proof he is human. I just would like to see if he has nice feelings somewhere in that brilliant mind, and what I think may be a somewhat shrunken heart. I think I saw them with Stacey, and there may be a flash of them when he interacts with Wilson and Cuddy. But he enjoys making even them miserable most of the time. And of course there is the pleasure he got out of manipulating his new fellows over the past few months, getting them to vie for spots on his team, and them manipulating Cuddy to give him a third fellow opening by hiring only men. Maybe his name should have been "Cut-Throat Bitch", instead of that manipulative strawberry blonde who got canned.

This leaves me with a question, why the hell do I love him? Honestly, I am not sure myself. I am attracted to smart men, and he is brilliant; that is one check in his favor. On the other hand, he is so brilliant he is arrogant, which is not an attractive quality, but one I seemed to have been able to over look during the past four years and will probably be able to continue to do so. Also, he has a no-hands barred approach when it comes to treating patients. That is something I admire-- well, most of the time. When he makes bets on the outcome of patients' lives, I don't like it. Whether patients' live or die isn't a laughing matter. When, however, he treats patients with his often unconventional treatments, though it may be risky at times--okay, a lot of the time-- he does it for the right reason. To save them. The only time I have really risked my medical license was to kill a man. Somehow that doesn't seem the same, even if I was doing what the patient wanted. And of course there is his wit; he always has a smart remark. Some people find this insulting, I do too, but it is constant, and that is comforting in a way. Plus it is pretty damn funny at times, and it really livened up those differential diagnoses all three years. Some how I doubt I will be completely spared of them, even though I work in the ER now; he had plenty to say about my newly blonde hair after all.

Are those reasons enough to explain loving him? Does it prove the theory that love is blind? Maybe. I don't know, and frankly I don't care. It doesn't matter because I will continue to love him all the same, despite his faults and my "damage." Besides, whose business is it besides mine?


	2. Chapter 2

I had a request for more. So here is an updated version of why House loves Cameron.

Many thanks to aintshesweet x for her beta-work!

I hate myself for loving you. You'll hate me for loving you too. Just wait, you'll see. I hurt people. Sometimes on purpose, other times, well, it just seems to come naturally. I am old, just look at my hair. I am miserable, just look at my Vicodin addiction. And I am a bastard, just look at my lack of friends. Those facts alone ought to be clues enough to the fact that I am not the ideal man.

I am manipulative. I made those new fellows go through hell to get the coveted spots on my staff, and then I got Cuddy too. I am the master manipulator. I manipulate better than anyone else I know. _(Except you)_

I am sarcastic. Every other word that comes out of my mouth is dripping with sarcasm and disdain. I can take the bright and shiny happiness out of anyone within moments. _(Except you)_

I am damaged. My dad abused me, I have a vicodin addiction, I have one, maybe two friends. I am the most damaged person I know. _(Except you)_

I am abrasive. My crude and rude comments send people running. _(Except you)_

I am a cripple. That alone scares away 75 of the general population; the rest run screaming the other direction once they get to know me. _(Except you)  
_  
I hide. I hide behind a façade of crassness. I am the best hider I know. _(Except you)  
_  
_(Except you. Except you. Except you.) _I get it. No, I don't. There seems to be a bit of a refrain in my life when it comes to you _(Except you)_. I don't get it. I don't think I ever will. Why someone like you would fall for someone like me-- except maybe I already do. You are the only more damaged person I know, and the only person I know who is better at hiding behind a mask than me. I guess that means you might 'get' me. But if I am me, and you are worse than me, where does that leave us?

Are the "except yous" why I love you? Do they explain why you love me? Are there rational reasons for it? Or even one reason for it? Not knowing, it scares the hell out of me, but if you ever ask me I will deny it. I don't admit to not knowing things, let alone being scared. You scare me. Okay, you don't scare me per say. It isn't like you walk around with a knife threatening me or anyone else, or even making nasty comments generally. What you do is much scarier. You are nice. You are the exception to the rule. You bring candy canes to the office for Christmas.

I love you. For everything. For all the except yous and everything else. For your newly blonde hair (is it natural?) and your green-blue eyes that are never the same color from one day to the next. And for your never ending devotion to your patients. No matter how much I harassed you about it, it is your greatest asset.

What the hell did I just write? This sounds like a love letter! I need to tear this page out and throw it away ASAP, but only after I shred it! If anyone ever finds it I am so screwed. 


	3. Chapter 3

Many thanks to Aintshesweet x for beta-ing and my reviewers: sweetgreuy, breakaway01, GunMeDownH, Limaccia, LittleDragonfly23, traceyisSPACEY, and Bassit Rhi! Love you! 2BlackBlt

So I was in House's office, but I have to explain why. Well, the particulars don't really matter, okay, okay, Wilson told me he saw something there that might interest me. And wow! Was he right! House wrote me a love letter! He had planned on destroying it, but for some reason hadn't yet. _(Thank God- Wait, what God?) _So I read it. I hadn't meant to _(Really-I promise.)_, but once I started I couldn't help myself _(Does that justify it? Probably not.)_.

It seems as though he loves me for loving him _(Of course I do; when haven't I?)_. He loves me for being flawed and damaged, and for caring _(And for everything else that makes me, me)_. He is scared though, and I understand that _(Sometimes I am scared too)_. Not enough to run though, and that is what scares me the most, that he will run. That he loves me, which will lead to him running _(Like he did with Stacy.)_.

Should I try to talk to him _(Would that make him run?)_? I don't know how to handle this. Hell, I don't know how to handle any situation with House _(Isn't that what got me to this point in the first place?)_. I manipulate him into going on a date with me, then he turns the night into something out of a horror novel for me _(And he thinks I am the master manipulator?)_. He would either run or make me want to run _(Wonderful.)_

Do I risk the humiliation? I do have the upper-hand. I have his love letter (_Damn this will make good black mail.)_. If he tries anything all I have to do is pull out the letter and it will shut him up, at least if he wants to maintain his heartless, devil-may-care persona.

I hate men. Actually I love them, well one. That is why I am stuck in this situation, right? I love men, a man. _(The wrong man.)_ House. Why can't I just say "Screw it?" It would make my life easier, not loving him _(Which is not an option.)_. I hate love. So, I hate love and men. Wonderful. I am going to be an old spinster of a woman someday.

That's it. I have to take action. I can't be meek, mild, gentle Cameron anymore. I am more than that. _(I hope I am.)_ I have to be. I have to tell House that I still love him. That I don't love Chase. That I never loved Chase. He has to know that. _(Does he know that?)_

I'll tell him. Today. Someday.

The prospect of telling him terrifies me _(Not that I'll ever admit it to him.)_. He probably already knows it though. That may be even more terrifying. Knowing that I am such an open book to everyone _(Him)_. Being a bleeding heart, leaving it out there for him to trample on. But maybe he won't _(Maybe.)_. I have his thoughts after all, and they scream that he loves me. But would he admit to it if I ask him? Probably not.

I love him and am scared to tell him, he loves me and doesn't want me to know. How screwed up is that. Can you imagine how emotionally dysfunctional our children would be? Sure, they'd be intellectually well off _(and have brilliant blue eyes)_, but emotionally they'd be the equivalent of a twelve year old boy. Kind of scary.

I don't care. I have to talk to him. Tomorrow, I will ask him to get a drink after work. Sure he will ridicule me and question my motives, but I don't care. _(Or so I say.) _I have to move forward with this. It is time I stop hiding.

Okay guys, next chapter will be Cameron talking to House. I might include their date in that chapter too, not sure yet.


	4. Chapter 4

I love him and am scared to tell him, he loves me and doesn't want me to know

Okay guys, I am so sorry I have been MIA for so long but life is crazy here at school. I hope you all forgive me and that you enjoy this. Love to you all! 2Blckblt

I love him and am scared to tell him, he loves me and doesn't want me to know. How screwed up is that. Can you imagine how emotionally dysfunctional our children would be? Sure, they'd be intellectually well off _(and have brilliant blue eyes)_, but emotionally they'd be the equivalent of a twelve year old boy. Kind of scary.

I don't care. I have to talk to him. Tomorrow, I will ask him to get a drink after work. Sure he will ridicule me and question my motives, but I don't care. _(Or so I say.) _I have to move forward with this. It is time I stop hiding.

So today is the day _(the day of reckoning)_. I have to ask him to go out after work. I could ask the rest of us former ducklings to join us, but that would be giving in to him _(and how he still is a little, okay, a lot, intimidating at times)_. Besides, we couldn't have real conversation. He'd be too busy calling Chase a wallaby or a wombat and Forman a juvenile delinquent of some sort _(He did steal my article. But I forgave him. I swear!). _I want all of his attention on me _(even if that proposition terrifies me at the same time_).

I need to look confident _(even if I am not feeling it)_. That calls for my "do-me-baby" pumps. I don't care how impractical they are for being on my feet all day. They are hot. I need hot. The best way to get House's attention is with the physical. The best way to keep it is with the intellectual. I know House thinks I am pretty. That's why he hired me _(Damn him.)._ And he kept me on his team, in fact I had to quit, so he thinks I am intelligent _(or at least not as stupid as the lady with the strawberry jelly)_

One foot in front of the other Allison. You are just asking him out to have a drink _(Of course that is precisely the problem. You are asking __**him**__.)_

"H-H-H…" _(Suck it up and ask already Allison.)_

"Spit it out already Cameron. It's not like your asking me out. What, do you need a consultation? ER cases proving too difficult?"

"Actually it's the first one."

"Funny. What's the case? Broken ankle? Terrible migraine?" Forget all your diagnostic expertise already?"

"Now whose being funny? No, I am serious. I want you to come have a drink with me after we finish our shifts tonight. Maybe two if you're lucky."

"Oh, so you want to get me drunk so you can have your way with me."

"I know you. Two drinks will come no where close to getting you drunk. Probably not even buzzed."

"Good point. But why should I go?"

"Because I'll be looking hot?"

"Short skirt?"

"Maybe."

"Killer heels?"

"You'll never know unless you come."

"Tease."

"Yep.

"I'm in. But you'd better deliver."

I think I played that quite well. _(I was a bit of a tease, wasn't I?)_ That's okay. He deserved it. He manipulates people all the time. _(Payback's a bitch.) _Something tells me he won't be complaining tonight though.

What should I wear? _(He needs to respect me in the morning.)_ Short would be good, but it still needs to cover my ass _(at least for now)_. Little black dresses are nice, but are kind of, well, little black dresses. Besides we are getting drinks, not going dancing. Damn him _(He always ties me up in knots.)_. Okay, black pants, with a satin turquoise camisole, and matching heels.

_**It's all wrong, but it's all right  
Just close your eyes and hold me tight  
Tell me sexy lovin' lines  
It's all wrong, but it's all right**_

Oh...why did I even turn on the radio? What is it doing playing country anyways? Not that I don't like the song, well, normally, but it is kind of foreboding. _(Not good pre-date music)_

But damn! It's so true. Isn't all anyone wants is to be held and to be told they are amazing? Screw the truth and damn the consequences! Can we get past that? Or are we destined to die out in a blaze of passion? Or even worse, fizzle…


End file.
